O.J. Simpson

by Ronny Sunshine on May 25, 2011 · 0 comments

Hey, remember that asshole O.J. Simpson?  Yeah the hilarious guy from the Naked Gun movies.  The awesome running back.  Oh yeah, and the guy that (may or may not have but probably) murdered his ex-wife and her

friend, got off and then subsequently went to prison for armed robbery and kidnapping.  Yeah… THAT asshole.

So our man The Juice was married to this Becky (like a typical black athlete) named Nicole Brown (ironic last name considering she was white) and things didn’t work out.  So he did what any guy would do and got a divorce.  Then he (may or may not have but probably) did what any asshole would do – murdered her and her friend outside of her condo… or this happened.  Either way, that’s not the end of this guy being an asshole.  In true convict/asshole fashion, O.J. didn’t turn himself in and took the police on a low-speed

chase in a Ford Bronco and made LA traffic even worse than it already is.  I personally find that more offensive than brutally stabbing your wife and her friend to death.

So you all know the story and know how O.J. got off thanks to the G.O.A.T. of lawyers Johnnie Cochran, but then got hit with a $33.5 Million civil suit.  Well, if there’s one thing we know about assholes… it’s that they don’t pay their debts.  Seriously how pissed would you be when you lose a family member AND you don’t get $33.5 Million that you were

supposed to get.  I’d be turning O.J.’s ass into some Tropicana if I were the Goldman family.

So naturally you would think when someone gets off on a murder charge with no jail or parole they would lay low right?  Nope not this asshole.  In 2006, he released a DVD called Juiced with O.J. Simpson in which he pulled pranks including selling his Ford Bronco.    On top of that, he also wrote a book (and planned for a television special) called O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How it Happened.  Seriously how awesome would the television special with re-creation actors have been?  But no we don’t get to see it thanks to Katie Couric being all sensitive and shit… bitch. Anyway, O.J. had more legal troubles including battery, possible drug trafficking, stealing satellite television and even endangering manatees.  What kind of asshole endangers sea cows?!

As I’m sure you know O.J. couldn’t help himself and he got the itch to do more crime in 2007.  Except this time he didn’t have Johnnie Cochran and his infamous Chewbacca Defense.  So this asshole got up to 33 years in prison.  That alone makes him one of the biggest assholes to ever live.  If I got away with murder I wouldn’t even speed.  Hell, I wouldn’t even THINK about committing crimes.  But crime must just be so damn sexy to O.J.  For O.J. crime must be like that ugly girl that you oddly find attractive, mainly for her lack of self-esteem, but you know is ugly (we call them night riders), and you know nobody will respect you if you hook up

with her, and you know you’ll regret it in the morning but you’ve had 8 too many shots of well tequila and you can’t help yourself and go home with her anyway and then she knows where you live and you can’t ever

shake her and all your friends find out and you’re embarrassed but you still end up dating her and then suffer an accidental pregnancy and then have to get engaged because her father is a religious zealot and then you get married without a pre-nup and then you have to live with the consequences (an ugly wife and uglier kids) for the rest of your life…  Yeah I think that’s exactly how O.J. feels about committing crime.  What an asshole.


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