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Günter Parche

by Roscoe Finkle on June 8, 2011 · 1 comment

Günter Parche – Lover of Steffi Graf and Michael Myers to Monica Seles

It’s April 30th 1993 and the world’s number 1 female tennis player, 19 year old Monica Seles is playing in the quarterfinals of the Citizen Cup in Hamburg, Germany.  Leading 6-4, 4-3 Seles walked to the sideline to take a break but little did she know that this break would lead to one of the worst sports attacks of all time and keep her off the court for two years.  The disheveled and overweight Günter Parche saw his opportunity.

Parche was an avid Steffi Graf fan, and by fan I mean deranged, obsessed psycho lunatic.  Parche wanted nothing more than for Graf to be successful and the asshole made his point.  While Seles was on the sidelines, the deranged Parche climbed down the stands directly past two security guards.

Once on the court, Parche went Jason Voorhes on Seles, took a boning knife and put it directly in Seles’s back, in-between her shoulder blades.  Seles crumpled (physically and emotionally) and was arguably never the same again.

Günter Günter Günter…  First, I guess I understand why you did this – I would probably be a raging asshole myself if my parents named me Günter.  You were either destined to be a mad scientist, and author who falls off the deep end and dies at 35 from autoerotic asphyxiation, or an obsessed deranged fan.  You fulfilled the destiny your parents provided for you.

Now, Steffi Graf?!?! That’s like having a violent obsession with Rabecca Lobo, sure she’s good but isn’t it healthier to have an unhealthy obsession with someone who doesn’t look like an ostrich?  I mean if I was going to have a stabbing obsession with someone, I’d pick someone the caliber of Anna Kournikova, or Lindsay Vohn, not “insert female sprinter here who looks like she could play middle linebacker”.

Now, here’s a tip: If you’re going to have a violent obsession for someone, make sure they’re worth your time an effort.  Nothing is worse than having someone say “He stabbed ______ over her?!?!”  It not only makes you look crazy, which you are, it makes you look like an asshole… which you are.

Also, Günter why couldn’t you have stalked her first, and made a threat or two?  You just walked down the stands, jumped onto the court and STABBED HER IN THE BACK.  In my day, when you had a deranged fan wanting to kill you, you knew about it.  There wasn’t any of this out of the blue stabbings.  A fan would first torment you, then fill you with mental anguish and fear and then strike.  Günter, you skipped the first two steps.  Just lazy.

Oh and did I mention you STABBED HER IN THE BACK.  Like not in the figurative way, you actually ran up behind her, where she was the only person in Hamburg not able to see you, and stabbed her.  Who literally stabs someone in the back, let alone a woman, let alone a professional womens tennis player in the middle of a match?

Of course Günter got off with no punishment because he pleaded mental instability.  No shit he was mentally unstable.  That’s why he should have been locked in a small cage in a pitch black room, with barely enough room to turn around in, with people cattle prodding him from all directions.  Now that punishment would fit the crime.

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