Hey remember that asshole Christopher Columbus? You know the one in that jaunty rhyme they teach you in first grade: “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” They credit this guy with “discovering” America, challenging the world is flat theory, and spreading Christianity. But they overlook all the fun facts. You know like his opium addiction, shitting overboard his ship for cleanliness and my personal favorite, giving people STDs.
So when Columbus first decided to take his voyage to America he wasn’t going for any noble reason like in the name of discovery. He was actually trying to find a trade route by water to India. They wanted to avoid running into Middle Eastern people on land for silk and spice trade, the “Urapeeins” could continue smoking nutmeg while wearing silk shirts like this:
Turns out even back then white people were afraid of Middle Eastern people, and instead of referring to them as “terrorists” they called them “Arab bandits” (tomato, tomato). Glad to see things haven’t changed much in 500 years.
So you know how everyone back then thought the world was flat? And Columbus was the one genius among idiots (or pig among guinea pigs) that was willing to challenge this theory? Yeah, turns out that’s not true. Anyone that was slightly educated knew that the world was round since Aristotle’s time. And that guy’s older than Jesus!
So Columbus tricked convinced the king and queen of Spain to finance his voyage. He also got them to agree that if he discovered any new land in the process he would be the “Admiral of the Ocean Sea” and be the viceroy and governor of the land he found. Apparently nobody thought wanting to be the ruler of all he found was a dick move, even though other people were already considered assholes for thinking that. You know like Alexander the “Ass Fucking” Great. He also demanded 10% of all money made from these new lands in perpetuity. That demand was rejected though because in the immortal words of the Wu Tang Clan “cash rules everything around me C.R.E.A.M., get the money dolla, dolla bill yall”.
So in 1492 just like the rhyme says, Columbus set sail with three ships to find the quick way to get to Asia. After 5 weeks of being at sea with 90 other men, shitting over the side of the boats, smoking opium, and longing for a woman’s touch, Rodrigo de Triana a.k.a. Juan Rodrigo Bermejo b.k.a. Lookout Boy saw land in the distance. Columbus being the asshole he was, claimed he saw land first hours before but he didn’t want to get people excited, even though it was really so he could say he was the first person to see land so he could be the ruler.
That’s when he found America right? Nope. The land they stumbled upon was 375 miles away from Florida. That’s like saying you arrived in Los Angeles when you were really in San Francisco. Except he wasn’t even in the same country. He actually ended up in the Bahamas on San Salvador. He met some cool indigenous people that were really nice to him and his crew. So instead of just saying thanks and adding them on Facebook like a normal person, he decided to call them Indians because he couldn’t have been wrong and just knew he was in India, and wrote this in his diary:
“They ought to make good and skilled servants, for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I think they can very easily be made Christians, for they seem to have no religion. If it pleases our Lord, I will take six of them to Your Highnesses, when I depart, in order that they may learn our language… Their lack of modern weaponry and even metal swords or pikes is a vulnerability… I could conquer the whole of them with 50 men and govern them as I pleased.”
Good to know he had nobility in his mind. Oh yeah and he also left them with parting gifts such as raped women and smallpox. He then continued his voyage to find America, right? No he landed in Cuba next. Then America right? Nope he hit Haiti next… and I literally mean hit. He ran the Santa Maria into the land and damaged the ship to the point that it had to be abandoned. Dick move considering it was a borrowed ship and the Geico Geco wasn’t around back then. The cool people in the Haitian part of India let Columbus leave 39 of his men, (who were later killed for being assholes) and Columbus set off for his last stop. America right? Nope. The Dominican Republic… which is connected to Haiti. This guy thought the world was really small. He had some issues here though. So unlike raping and kidnapping the people that were nice to him, he raped and kidnapped and murdered the people that were mean to him. Then he went back to Spain. That’s right… this asshole never reached North America’s mainland.
After he got back to Spain and told of his heroic adventures, Columbus went on 3 more voyages to “the New World” as they called it in Pocahontas. On all of these later trips he still never stepped foot on the North American mainland but he did eventually find South America. Oddly we end up with the holiday here in America. Some of the other accomplishments he made as a result of his voyages were bringing syphilis to Europe, bringing lung cancer tobacco to Europe, and going to prison for crimes against humanity. That’s right. He was such a terrible person that in the early 1500s he was doing things that were frowned upon to people. He went to trial and 23 people testified against him about his acts while governing Haiti. However the king of Spain ordered his release after Columbus only served six weeks. Glad to see things haven’t changed.
So Christopher Columbus goes on a voyage, doesn’t get the job done, claims to discover places even though people already live there, brings back syphilis, rapes and murders and tortures people, and made decisions like refusing to baptize indigenous people “because you can’t take other Christians as slaves” (his words not mine). And he gets honored with a federal holiday and a cheery rhyme that they teach to kids in school. Wow what an asshole.