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Christopher Columbus

by Ronny Sunshine on October 11, 2011 · 6 comments

Hey remember that asshole Christopher Columbus?  You know the one in that jaunty rhyme they teach you in first grade: “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  They credit this guy with “discovering” America, challenging the world is flat theory, and spreading Christianity.  But they overlook all the fun facts.  You know like his opium addiction, shitting overboard his ship for cleanliness and my personal favorite, giving people STDs.

So when Columbus first decided to take his voyage to America he wasn’t going for any noble reason like in the name of discovery.  He was actually trying to find a trade route by water to India. They wanted to avoid running into Middle Eastern people on land for silk and spice trade, the “Urapeeins” could continue smoking nutmeg while wearing silk shirts like this:

Sail On!

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Harold Camping

by Ronny Sunshine on June 21, 2011 · 0 comments

Hey remember that asshole Harold Camping?  You know the asshole that predicted the world would end last month and made a big spectacle with his radio show and billboards?  Man what a tool (of the Lord) that guy was.

History is full of assholes that have predicted the end of the world.  We had

Nostradamus, David Koresh, that asshole that yells at you to repent as

you drunkenly stumble from bars in any downtown area… the list seems endless.  Harold Camping predicted that God would judge the world, Jesus would return, and that all Christians would be taken up to heaven on May 21, 2011.  After this, all of the Muslims, Jews, non-believers and anyone else that got it wrong would be stuck on earth with no way of making it to heaven and a countdown clock until the world ended on October 21, 2011.

FINISH ME!!!

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Günter Parche

by Roscoe Finkle on June 8, 2011 · 1 comment

Günter Parche – Lover of Steffi Graf and Michael Myers to Monica Seles

It’s April 30th 1993 and the world’s number 1 female tennis player, 19 year old Monica Seles is playing in the quarterfinals of the Citizen Cup in Hamburg, Germany.  Leading 6-4, 4-3 Seles walked to the sideline to take a break but little did she know that this break would lead to one of the worst sports attacks of all time and keep her off the court for two years.  The disheveled and overweight Günter Parche saw his opportunity.

Parche was an avid Steffi Graf fan, and by fan I mean deranged, obsessed psycho lunatic.  Parche wanted nothing more than for Graf to be successful and the asshole made his point.  While Seles was on the sidelines, the deranged Parche climbed down the stands directly past two security guards.

Once on the court, Parche went Jason Voorhes on Seles, took a boning knife and put it directly in Seles’s back, in-between her shoulder blades.  Seles crumpled (physically and emotionally) and was arguably never the same again.

FINISH ME!!!

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O.J. Simpson

by Ronny Sunshine on May 25, 2011 · 2 comments

Hey, remember that asshole O.J. Simpson?  Yeah the hilarious guy from the Naked Gun movies.  The awesome running back.  Oh yeah, and the guy that (may or may not have but probably) murdered his ex-wife and her

friend, got off and then subsequently went to prison for armed robbery and kidnapping.  Yeah… THAT asshole.

FINISH ME!!!

Gary Glitter

May 24, 2011

Tweet Hey remember that asshole Gary Glitter, the guy with the catchiest sports anthem of all time? I know what you’re thinking, how could someone that awesome looking be an asshole? Tweet

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Who Performed at your Company Holiday Party Last Year

May 18, 2011

Tweet Hey remember that asshole entertainer who performed at your company holiday party last year? So you’ve had 12 Michelob Ultras (hey, you sit behind a desk all day…) and you’re at your company’s awards dinner. It’s a good night. You’ve charmed your boss, his boss and the hot girl from accounting. That new Express [...]

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Alexander Graham Bell

May 17, 2011

Tweet Hey remember that asshole Alexander Graham Bell, the guy who invented the telephone? WHAT? The man invented the telephone and helped teach Helen Keller. How could he be an asshole? Tweet

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Shawn Nelson – The San Diego Tank Guy

May 9, 2011

Tweet On May 17th, 1995 Shawn Nelson went on a rampage of epic, epic proportions.  On the evening of the 17th, Nelson traded in his Chevy Van for a M60 Patten Tank and went on a 23 minute rampage.  The unemployed plumber stole the tank from a US National Guard Armory and went on a [...]

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April 19, 2011

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