Hey remember that asshole Christopher Columbus? You know the one in that jaunty rhyme they teach you in first grade: “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” They credit this guy with “discovering” America, challenging the world is flat theory, and spreading Christianity. But they overlook all the fun facts. You know like his opium addiction, shitting overboard his ship for cleanliness and my personal favorite, giving people STDs.
So when Columbus first decided to take his voyage to America he wasn’t going for any noble reason like in the name of discovery. He was actually trying to find a trade route by water to India. They wanted to avoid running into Middle Eastern people on land for silk and spice trade, the “Urapeeins” could continue smoking nutmeg while wearing silk shirts like this:
Hey remember that asshole Harold Camping? You know the asshole that predicted the world would end last month and made a big spectacle with his radio show and billboards? Man what a tool (of the Lord) that guy was.
History is full of assholes that have predicted the end of the world. We had Nostradamus, David Koresh, that asshole that yells at you to repent as you drunkenly stumble from bars in any downtown area… the list seems endless. Harold Camping predicted that God would judge the world, Jesus would return, and that all Christians would be taken up to heaven on May 21, 2011. After this, all of the Muslims, Jews, non-believers and anyone else that got it wrong would be stuck on earth with no way of making it to heaven and a countdown clock until the world ended on October 21, 2011.
Günter Parche – Lover of Steffi Graf and Michael Myers to Monica Seles
It’s April 30th 1993 and the world’s number 1 female tennis player, 19 year old Monica Seles is playing in the quarterfinals of the Citizen Cup in Hamburg, Germany. Leading 6-4, 4-3 Seles walked to the sideline to take a break but little did she know that this break would lead to one of the worst sports attacks of all time and keep her off the court for two years. The disheveled and overweight Günter Parche saw his opportunity.
Parche was an avid Steffi Graf fan, and by fan I mean deranged, obsessed psycho lunatic. Parche wanted nothing more than for Graf to be successful and the asshole made his point. While Seles was on the sidelines, the deranged Parche climbed down the stands directly past two security guards.
Once on the court, Parche went Jason Voorhes on Seles, took a boning knife and put it directly in Seles’s back, in-between her shoulder blades. Seles crumpled (physically and emotionally) and was arguably never the same again.
Hey, remember that asshole O.J. Simpson? Yeah the hilarious guy from the Naked Gun movies. The awesome running back. Oh yeah, and the guy that (may or may not have but probably) murdered his ex-wife and her friend, got off and then subsequently went to prison for armed robbery and kidnapping. Yeah… THAT asshole.